Happy New Year!

11 min read

Deviation Actions

Sammylovesyoulots's avatar
Published:
241 Views
****I will refer to a "you" a lot, this is a broad term and not meant actually to be directed always at the reader. So be smart about it and don't be an ass. This is a pretty serious jurnal for me and I don't want to deal with rude people trying to get a laugh out of it.****

I'd like to start out by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope everyone had fun on new years eve. I ate pizza and watched TV with my family then toasted with them as the ball dropped. Then immediately went back to watching TV.


I know it's kinda late, but it's still the 1st so I say I'm fine. I wanted to do something to talk about 2014 and 2015, what I felt about everything that happened and what I hope to achieve as we keep moving forward. I also know I've got a lot of shit to do but hush and let me get my thoughts out and have a little fun before returning to my alarmingly large amount of comments that I shall reply to.
 
I found a meme that I feel will make summarizing my year somewhat easier. But this isn't just a meme journal and there will be more talking from me to come. I have A LOT of resolutions, so bear with me. I just want to make a lot of change, is that so bad?


1. What are your New Years Resolutions?
  • Being more body-positive with myself
  • Lose roughly 20 pounds if not more (I know seems contradicting of the first one, but it will help me be more positive, and healthier) 
  • Be more honest with myself
  • Live my life for me, not others
  • Be more honest with the people around me
  • Don't put up with bullshit that I don't need to deal with
  • I don't need to be nice to make others happy (I'm not gonna be an ass I promise, I just need to focus more on my happiness and sticking up for myself)
  • Take better care of myself mentally emotionally and physically. 
  • Don't dwell on things that I can't change.


2. Did you complete your New Years Resolutions for this year?
I don't even remember what it was that I was suppose to be doing. But I'm okay with that, because I'm gonna just keep moving forward. 


3. One regret from this year
Not taking care of myself well enough. I did it a lot of stupid stuff and I dealt with a lot of the crappy consequences.
 

4. One moment of this year that made you happy
When I finally came to terms with my bisexuality. That was a terrifying but really happy experience.  It allowed me to feel free, even if I'm not out to EVERYONE I'm out to quite a few people and it's so.. relieving. 


5. One moment of this year that made you sad
When my best friend choose to stop speaking to me and never did explain to me why. But I did eventually learn via mutual friends roughly what it is I did to piss her off so much that she felt there was no fixing it. That kinda put a damper on the whole "life" thing for awhile. And dealing with not having a best friend was a bit weird. Not having someone to go to with anything at all.


6. Goals for next year (not resolutions, just things you'd like to happen)?
  • Have fun in Boston
  • improving my writing
  • My anxiety and depression calming the fuck down would be nice.
  • Taking control of my love life because haha guess what? it's mine. And I don't need to make you happy with it.
  • Cleaning my damn room and keeping it roughly that way
  • My mom not having cancer
  • Therapy being helpful
  • Spend less time with my grandma because I don't need that rudeness and disapproval in my life.


7. Questions for your future-self to answer at the end of next year?
  • Did you actually do anything  you wanted to do?
  • Is your baby Gizmo okay?
  • Body-positive year, success? Or try again? 
  • How much did your friend group change?
  • You're a senior now, so time for the age old question, What are you going to do with your life?
  • What are some changes you made? 



And now I'm done with that meme so I'll go back to talking to you guys.

I want to get a lot of writing in this year, but I do want to admit that this year is going to be more about me. I live constantly trying to impress people around me, make them happy. I also go about trying not to hurt anyones feelings or make them upset. But this has been part of the reason that I believe I'm so self destructive. I know this year by some of the changes I'm going to try to make, some people are going to hate me. And I need to realize that it's okay. This year anxiety and depression reared their ugly heads and took a major toll on me. I want to deal with it, instead of just pretend that it's fine and normal. 


Okay now on to my love life.

As some of you know, it's a mess. But it's my mess. Not yours. Mkay? I want to take more control with my love life this year. Attempting to have more courage, telling people if I like them. Because honestly what's the worst that could happen? Me getting shot down, possibly laughed at a little maybe I no longer speak to them but we're in highschool so in a few years that probably would have happened anyways. And if you judge me for what I do, or who I do it with I'm not going to tolerate it. Yes, you can have a negative opinion of it and tell me that opinion I am a big girl and I can deal with that; but don't make me feel like shit about it, don't constantly mock me for it either alright? I don't need you happy about it, but as long as you're not being an ass about it we will be fine. 

Another thing, I talked about telling people if I have feelings for them. Well I also have been telling some people that I don't have feelings for them. And They don't listen. I'm not putting up with that bull anymore. Wanna be friends? cool. But if I've made it clear I have no intention of ever being romantically or sexually involved with you then please STOP TRYING! It's not cute, it's harassing and frustrating. I won't accommodate for it anymore. It's a big hassle in my life that I really don't need and if you don't back off my friends, and sister are going to beat the crap out of you until you get it. This shit puts me on edge and I don't need any more anxiety in my life.



Body Positivity

I am really negative towards myself when it comes to my body. I hate what I see nearly every time I look in the mirror. I'm going to work on loving myself and being okay with my body. On that note I'm also going to try to lose weight. I need to treat my body better if I'm going to try loving it and I do a lot of bad to it. By being overweight there are a lot of bad health risks that come with it. And because of that I'm going to try to lose 20 pounds or more by the end of the year. It's not all too much weight to lose, but at the same time it is. I want to lose this healthily. A lof of times to lose weight I starve. And it's another bad thing that I need to stop. 

I'm going to do things that make me feel pretty and happy. If you ever try to make me feel bad for it I'm going to tell you to shut up. I get some shit for wearing colors other than black.I LIKE other colors. I'm trying to change my style and I don't need to be shit on for wearing something with flowers on it because YOU don't think I'm girly. I like girly things. I wear tiaras and frilly dresses and I like doing my make up. I need you to stop putting me into a box of what I can and can't wear. Also don't shit on me for wearing more relaxed clothes like sweatpants or old mens t-shirts. It's comfy. Let me be comfortable.



This year is basically about me being me, not putting up with people that are bringing me down, and improving myself. I've never been big on changing my life, I'll do typical resolutions like "lose weight" or "be nice". But this year, while those are still kinda a part of it I would like 2015 to be a year of more change than usual. I hope that my friends are okay with it because I'd love it if they stuck with me on this journey, but if not then I'm going to just move on. In a little less than 2 years high school will be over for me and I won't see many of those people ever again. So if letting you go a little earlier is what I have to do then I'll accept that, I will be disappointed though to have lost you because I want to be a better person.

Deviantart has been an amazing place to grow as a writer and person and I'd like to thank all of you for sticking with me this far. And now I ask you to stick with me as I continue to grow.
I wish you all the best of luck in the new year
And I hope you will be there with me as we move forward into the unknown.

"Depression is being stuck in the past, Anxiety is thinking too much of what is to come. Living for the present it the best way to find happiness"- My Therapist, paraphrased ever so slightly because I can't remember word for word what she said.

I've been stuck in the past and worried about the future. I'd love to try to live for right now.

Thank you for putting up with me
I love you guy
Love always,
Samantha Lee


© 2015 - 2024 Sammylovesyoulots
Comments2
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Alcaniruvi-the-Magus's avatar
The feelings that were put into this journal... wow.

Determination... anger... passion... pain...

These were just a few of the emotions that I felt were put into this.

I wish I could write that passionately.

*salutes*

Happy New Year to you too!